So I made this lentil soup and it was pretty good, but the majority of this post will not be about soup. I just want to put that out there right away. I’m going to be talking about feelings people, so if that sounds gross to you, just click away. Come back next week when I talk about cookies and stuff again.
It’s been kind of a rough week over here in real-life. If you’ve been reading my postings for awhile you probably remember last spring when I got a little “tough love” on myself about exercising. Now it’s time for some of that again but just about me in general. Recently a friend quoted me back to me (I can never resist a When Harry Met Sally reference, sorry) and though I laughed at the time, I have been thinking a lot about what she said. In a post a few months ago I said something to the effect of “I hate when movies and TV shows have scenes of people just sitting around and thinking pensively because that sounds terrible to me and I would never do that.” Something like that. She said that she frequently sets aside blocks of time to do this and thought my comments on it were hilarious. Because of some particularly harsh truths I’ve had to face recently, I started thinking about why I would say that. And the answer is kind of not fun. Actually it’s really not fun. Here it is: I haven’t felt great about myself for a few years. I don’t really know when it happened, but I have kind of been checked out for awhile. It sounds stupid to say it but I guess I just thought if I didn’t think about it, it would go away. Denial is the cure for everything, right?
In my whole life, I have never really liked planning ahead. It’s not that I’m not organized or responsible, it’s just that I’ve never really been much of a dreamer. Or that’s what I kind of always thought. But if I really am totally honest with myself this is what I come up with- another thing that’s cliche but true: if you don’t want or hope or try for things, you won’t be disappointed when you fail or it doesn’t work out. And that is actually really shitty. What a horrible way to look at things. That’s what you’re saying, right? That’s the place I’m at right now. So here’s a few things I want: I want to be excited about something. I want to spend more time with my husband. I want to keep writing this blog and getting better at expressing myself. Ugh, expressing myself? Even typing that made me cringe, but I don’t think there’s another way to say it. Obviously it’s fun to be snarky and self-deprecating and critical sometimes but I can’t be like that all the time. And this is the really hard one to admit – I want to have a plan. Not like a Pinky & the Brain World Domination kind of plan, but just something to work towards. I’m still trying to figure out what that will be but the first step is admitting you have a problem, right?
So about this soup……hahahahahaha. It’s lentil soup and it’s not pretty, but I actually think that’s kind of appropriate for this post, right? Lentils are good for you, there’s no denying it, but damn they are ugly. See how nice and colorful everything looks before the addition of the lentils?It’s not even a clever metaphor at this point – adding the lentils = thinking about all this hard and ugly stuff. I’m pretty sure this is good for me, the process is just kind of unappetizing and sucky.